conflicting goals

I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to be this out of shape and uncomfortable anymore. My 36th birthday is coming up and part of me wants to set a firm goal of being at a reasonable weight (to be defined) by the time I'm 40 or I go and get lap-band surgery. (See, giving myself 4 years to lose 100 lbs.)

I know I'm never going to weigh 126 pounds again. I know I won't ever be a size 8 again. (People often re-gain the weight after weight-loss surgery and it can have serious, serious side-effects.) I'm really proud of the fact that I weigh less now than I did nine months ago. That illness and injuries aside, I've been going to my "gym" pretty regularly.

I'm conflicted.

I want to buy into the myth that if I just deny myself enough and work hard enough I'll be as beautifual as I was at 19 again. But, I'm a realist and I know it doesn't work that way. That I should focus on being healthier. Exercising because my mood is so much better if I get to the gym at least twice a week, finding a way for all of us to get exercise together, eating better so Billy will eat better, focusing on what's going to make my life better and longer instead of my wardrobe and how other people see me.

So, I won't beat myself up over being 1.5 pound more than yesterday, or for the donuts I had at breakfast. But, I will go to the gym this afternoon and really push myself, and maybe I'll have a salad instead of french fries at lunch.